just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better