someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"