God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just want nice things and good sex
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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