I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
