i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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