I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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