What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.