What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.