I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
