Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
