Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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