Sponge bath it is.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.