Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
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Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.