Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.