I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize