Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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