Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
