Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
