this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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