If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".