3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.