Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.