Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.