upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
