you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
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I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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