i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
NoShamevember. You game?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.