Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed