i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?