I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
