I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
