what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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