I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
