Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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