I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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