How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
