Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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