Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Randomize
