Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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