i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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