Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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