I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
