Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
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You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
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You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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