It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
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he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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