My sheets look like a crime scene.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
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I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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