the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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