The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
