he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
