i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
