dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
3pm strippers are depressing
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
