Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
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I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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