things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
FUCK WHALES
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
