Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
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He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
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Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?