mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
