i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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