there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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