Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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