Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
