Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
