this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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