My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless